Serving Burgers & Booze Since 1992 view shopping cart

JUST STROKE IT

Several years ago, a good customer of The Vortex ​presented us with a carved wooden phallus, slightly over a foot tall, that he had purchased in Thailand. He explained that if we displayed it near our front door​ it would help “attract money and bring success.” We thanked him for his thoughtfulness and immediately placed it among the liquor bottles behind our bar. Soon after, we were contacted by the Travel Channel, and featured on “Man vs. Food.” That television exposure undeniably helped our business. So, was this whole chain of events purely coincidental? I didn’t think so.

In fact, I was so convinced of the power contained in this wooden wang, I made it a personal mission to help spread the good fortune to our loyal patrons. I contacted an old artist friend, and commissioned a bigger, better version of the magical phallus. On Easter Sunday of 2014, the new 3-foot high piece of sculpted mahogany splendor known as the #DickOfDestiny was installed in the Midtown Vortex. Since that time, hundreds (maybe thousands) of customers have given our big wooden dick a good rub, and made a wish or said a little personal prayer. Does it work? Many people swear that it does.

Imagery of the phallus has been prevalent and widespread throughout the world since the beginning of recorded history. Found within the art and religious practices of many cultures, the phallus is symbolic of strength, fertility, good fortune, prosperity, and protection. So next time you visit the Midtown Vortex, just stroke our big dick and see what happens. The universe is a mystery. What have you got to lose?

9 thoughts on “JUST STROKE IT”

  1. Justin says:

    I’ve been here many times and never disappointed. I saw the episode on Man vs. Food and new I had to check it out. Keep up the good work.

  2. Tina Avila says:

    Wow I need to go give this more then just a stroke the way my 2016 ended and continues into 2017. I need to rub it til my negatives all turn around and disappear!

  3. This was just a perfect way to handle customer relations. Keep doing what you’re doing Vortex.

  4. Tom Lewis says:

    Is there a vulva in any Vortex that will give the same benefits to a male customer? I have an entire fraternity waiting for your answer.

  5. Kelly May says:

    Is this a gay bar?

    1. Lisa says:

      No it’s just a bar and grill owned by super cool, open minded people.

    2. Elton Battle says:

      No it’s a fun bar

  6. Ed_Bisexual_Bourke says:

    I rub mine all the time and it taste good too.

  7. Elton Battle says:

    Been doing open Mic at the vortex 4 a while now I even got a 5-minute bit about this and they love it I am a man and I look forward to rubbing it next time I’m there

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