YOU ARE A GUEST HERE
The Vortex is a privately owned business. When you enter our premises, you become our guest. And just like when you invite a guest into your home, this privilege is revocable at any time. So if you come in and start acting like a damned fool, we reserve the right to throw your ignorant ass right out the door. It’s simple enough. Our house, our rules. And don’t even start with any of that, “The Customer is Always Right” bullshit, because it absolutely will not fly here. You have our word.
BE NICE OR GET OUT
Those five little words have always been our mantra. That’s probably why The Vortex enjoys such an awesome fan base. Our loyal patrons agree that rude, obnoxious behavior should never be tolerated. When someone starts off with a self-entitled attitude, they usually end up acting like an arrogant, mean-spirited little prick. Our good customers appreciate that every now and then, we have to tell one of these socially inept idiots to get the fuck out of our bar. The Vortex is meant to be an entertaining experience, designed to be shared with fun people. Idiots just don’t get it, but our loyal patrons do. That’s why they often give our managers a standing ovation when an idiot is escorted off the property.
IF YOU’RE WORRIED, DON’T WORRY
There have been instances when we notice a table of first-time customers being very quiet and subdued. When we ask if they’re enjoying themselves, they often reply with something like, “Yes, everything’s really great. But after reading your House Rules, we just don’t want to get thrown out.” Well, that couldn’t be any more adorable. Of course only courteous, considerate people would be worried about behaving themselves. Lord love ‘em. Believe us when we tell you, the idiots we refer to in our “Idiot-Free Zone” policies, aren’t worried at all. They’re clueless when it comes to how awful their behavior is. Absolutely clueless.
WE’RE ALL ABOUT A GOOD TIME
We love seeing our customers having fun, being silly, and even publicly humiliating themselves. Don’t worry, we’ve seen it all. In fact, we’ve done it all, so we can totally relate. We know sometimes it’s good to be bad. We always do our best to help. After all, we’re all about a good time. We’re not about judgement. Unless it’s bad judgement. We can totally get behind some bad judgement.
THESE ARE THE IDIOTS WE’RE TALKING ABOUT
People get thrown out of The Vortex for acting like entitled assholes, or for being openly rude, hostile or aggressive towards others. There’s nothing “fun” about that behavior, so obviously those idiots gotta go. Below are a few examples of certain idiots that have had a history of prematurely short visits. If you should see any similarities to yourself in these descriptions, maybe The Vortex isn’t the place for you. And maybe, just maybe, it’s time to seek some psychological counseling.
Some people think everything in the world should revolve around them. Given the opportunity, these petty tyrants would happily force their beliefs on the rest of us. After all, they know what’s best – for everybody. They tend to be easily annoyed, and they’re even more easily offended. But the really crazy thing about these Tight Assess is that when they get offended (which is often), they honestly believe we should change our business model to suit their narrow-minded view of life. What these pinched-up pricks fail to recognize is that The Vortex was not designed for them, and we really don’t care if they’re offended. In fact, we couldn’t care less. We wouldn’t even piss on their heads if their hair was on fire. If that last sentence offends you, you just might be a Tight Ass.
We have actually witnessed a Douche Bag invade a women’s personal space while simultaneously flexing his shaved pecks and popping the collar of his Ed Hardy shirt. Douche Bags are classy like that. Known to travel in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any female attention as sexual attraction. Their frail egos often make them big bullies, so don’t step on their shoes or jostle their drink. And for God’s sake, don’t ever make direct eye contact with them, because it doesn’t take much to set-off these psychopaths. With more testosterone and roid-rage than active brain cells, Douche Bags are one of the main reasons we employ bouncers. We’re not saying these homophobic broheims are actually all closeted homosexuals, but if this sentence makes you want to punch a gay man, you just might be a Douche Bag.
People who view even a slight error in service as an opportunity to demand something for nothing are just low-life, Dirty Moochers. We always do whatever it takes to correct any problem caused by our staff, but since we’re not in business to appease scum bags, we usually tell these Dirty Moochers to take their unreasonable demands, and their business elsewhere. That’s usually when the fireworks start. Yelling that they’re not going to pay for anything, threatening to write bad Yelp reviews, and promising to tell all their friends about their awful experience. What they don’t realize is they’re doing us a favor, because we don’t want their asshole friends coming in either. We suggest Dirty Moochers stick to corporate chain restaurants. Those places love dealing with that kind of bullshit. If you’ve never left a Ruby Tuesday without a gift certificate for a free meal, you just might be a Dirty Moocher.
More pathetic than anything else, Amateurs are legal adults who have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. In fact, the more alcohol they consume, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. Once they’re adequately primed, they inevitably start to annoy other patrons with their obnoxious behavior, until they end up crying, fighting or puking somewhere unfortunate. Why can’t they ever find the damned toilet? While it’s fun to laugh at these silly fools, someone has to clean up after them, and that’s no fun at all. If you absolutely love drinking on Saint Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo and New Year’s Eve, you just might be an Amateur. But since those are official “Amateur Nights,” at least you’ll have lots of company.