DEFINING THE PROBLEM
It’s a shame some people don’t understand bars and restaurants are experiences designed to be shared. But there is a minority of the population that suffer from a sociopathic abnormality we like to call “Entitlementia.” This condition causes the afflicted to adapt an attitude of rudeness, ingraciousness, and combativeness, which manifests itself in making excessive and unreasonable demands for service. Nice, normal people can’t understand how these overbearing narcissists have such little regard and consideration for those around them. Or how they could choose to behave with such a total disregard for public decorum and common decency. Our fear is that this type of behavior is becoming more commonplace. If you need proof, just ask anyone who makes their living dealing with the general public.
FIVE LITTLE WORDS
“Be nice or get out.” Those five little words sum up our attitude at The Vortex. All we have ever required of our customers is common courtesy. And due in large part to that simple request, we now enjoy a customer base of truly awesome people. Our loyal patrons agree that obnoxious and rude behavior should never be tolerated by anyone. That treating fellow human beings in a patronizing, insensitive or demeaning manner is never acceptable. That an attitude of entitlement is an obvious sign that a person is most likely a self-important, conceited, arrogant, manipulative little prick. Our customers also understand that once in a while, we have to tell certain miserable, socially inept assholes to get the fuck out and never come back, in order to protect the experience we’ve promised to everyone else. Perhaps this is why our customers often applaud when problem customers are removed from our premises.
NO NEED FOR ALARM
There have been instances where we have noticed a table of new customers behaving in a quiet and subdued manner. Upon inquiring if everything is alright, they often reply with “Yes, everything’s fine. But after reading your House Rules, we just don’t want to do anything to get thrown out.” Well, we think that’s just adorable, because only nice, considerate people would ever have that concern. Idiots are consistently clueless when it comes to their inappropriate behavior.
WE’RE ALL ABOUT A GOOD TIME
Tomorrow isn’t promised. Raise a little hell today. The Vortex is a bar, and as such, we’re all about having a good time. Sometimes it’s just good to be bad. We get it, and we’re here to help. So believe us, having fun, being silly, or even publicly embarrassing yourself will not get you thrown out of The Vortex. We’ve been doing this for a long time and we’ve seen it all. We always do our best to accommodate, and take care of our good customers. The only thing that will actually get you thrown out, is acting like an entitled asshole.
UNFORTUNATE CHARACTER TRAITS
While it usually takes some seriously idiotic behavior to get your ass “eighty-sixed” from The Vortex, below are a few examples of personality-types that have had a history of prematurely short visits with us. So, if you should see any similarities to yourself in these descriptions, maybe The Vortex isn’t quite the right fit for you.
Often traveling in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any attention as sexual attraction. They’ll often invade a women’s personal space while flexing their shaved pecks and popping the collar of their Ed Hardy shirt. The only thing more repellent than their fashion sense, is their abhorrent behavior. Their frail egos often make them big bullies, so don’t step on their shoes or jostle their drink. And don’t ever make direct eye contact, because it doesn’t take much to set-off these psychopaths. Douche Bags are one of the main reasons we employ bouncers.
We will always do whatever it takes to correct any problem caused by our staff. But there are certain parasites that view even the slightest error as an opportunity to demand something for nothing. Since we are not in business to appease low-life con artists, these scumbags need to take their unreasonable demands, and their business elsewhere. We suggest a corporate chain restaurant, because those places seem to love dealing with this kind of bullshit.
Unfortunately, some people have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. The more alcohol they consume, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. Once they are adequately primed, they inevitably start to annoy other patrons with their obnoxious behavior, until they end up puking somewhere unfortunate. Why can’t they ever find the damned toilet? If you absolutely insist on making a complete jack-ass of yourself when you drink, you should probably only drink on Saint Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo and New Year’s Eve. Those are official “Amateur Nights,” so you will have lots of company.
Some people think everything in the world should revolve around them. Given the opportunity, these selfabsorbed petty tyrants would happily force their beliefs on you, because they know what’s best for everybody. This personality-type tends to be easily annoyed, and even more easily offended. But the really crazy part is that they honestly believe we should change our business to suit their narrow-minded, pinched-up sensibilities. How many times must we explain this? Please pay attention, Tight-Asses. Read this slowly, and really let it sink in: We DON’T CARE if you are offended by our business. We wouldn’t piss on your head if your hair were on fire.