READ OUR MENUS
We have gone to great lengths to ensure that our food and drink descriptions are as detailed and accurate as possible, and that all company policies are clearly explained on our menus, so please read them. If you have any questions, just ask your server. It’s all pretty simple. Please don’t make us mock you.
We care about your safety. If you have food sensitivities or allergies serious enough to cause sickness or death, we suggest that you DO NOT EAT HERE. The Vortex can not certify the absence of any specific ingredient from any given menu item. Additionally, cross-contamination with ingredients to which you may be allergic could also potentially occur. If you choose to ignore this warning, you do so at your own risk. Remember, it’s better to be safe than sorry – or dead!
THE VORTEX GUARANTEE
When dining with us, if you are not greeted within 2 minutes, then you’ll be greeted within 3 or 4. We do our best to be prompt, but service times will vary with business volume, so just pull that big stick out of your butt. Try to relax, have fun and enjoy the experience. It’ll be good for you.
SPECIAL ORDERS & EXTRAS
Our ultimate goal is to give our customers exactly what they want. So, if you want a bunch of “extra” stuff, or you want to make crazy alterations to an existing menu item, or if you want to order something that’s not even on the damn menu, we’ll do our best to help you out. And we’ll also charge you whatever the hell we want for it. So, if you have any concerns about the cost of your “special request,” please ask your server about it BEFORE placing the order. Once the food is in your belly it’s a little too late to have that conversation, and we really don’t want to hear any crying when the bill comes. For anyone who thinks they shouldn’t be charged for special orders or extras, we’ll be sure to let you know when that magical truck filled with free-for-nothin’ goodies shows up. We’ve been waiting for a very long time, but we’ve still never seen it.
FRESH FOOD & SERVICE TIMES
All our menu items are fresh, and cooked to order. We strive to have food to your table within 20 minutes, but if we are very busy your order may take a little longer. Any “well-done” burgers will also increase the wait time. You see, a half-pound of fresh, raw sirloin actually has to cook. Nothing at The Vortex ever sits under a heat lamp. This ain’t fast food, it’s good food.
Mistakes can happen from time to time. Nobody’s perfect. So, if our kitchen or service staff ever goofs something up, just let us know as soon as you can. We’ll do everything in our power to make things right.
Food that has been prepared correctly may NOT be returned because you “just don’t like it.” And if you ever order a beer, wine or spirit that you’re not crazy about, that’s a damn shame. We don’t brew, ferment, distill or bottle any of it. We just sell it. So, when your order arrives “error-free,” it’s all yours. We don’t take returns. If you have a delicate palate, or you’re just a chronic complainer, be prepared to share your order with the less finicky members of your party. You know – the adults.
Providing excellent service is our top priority, and we rely on our loyal fans to let us know if we have a weak link. So, if you’re ever unhappy with your service, notify the manager immediately. We aim to please, but we can’t solve a problem we don’t know about. “Stiffing” your server and slithering away without letting us know there was a problem is not an option. And neither is leaving a passive-aggressive note on your charge slip instead of a tip. But the most futile move by far is leaving an ignorant review on “I’m-a-shitty-whiner-dot-com.” Because we really don’t care what shitty little whiners think. And neither does anyone else.
The Vortex is required to obey a variety of Liquor Laws to maintain our Liquor License in good standing. The livelihood of a whole bunch of really nice people depend on it. You may be unaware of some of these laws, so we have compiled the following list for your review, along with one really good suggestion.
ON-PREMISE SALES ONLY
We are prohibited by law from selling alcoholic beverages “to-go,” with the single exception of opened bottles of wine that are not finished when dining with us. These bottles may be re-corked and taken home by the customer. No other alcohol may leave our premises at any time.
On Sundays we are prohibited from selling alcohol until 12:30 pm. Apparently, drinking a Mimosa at 11:00 o’clock on Sunday morning will make the baby Jesus cry. Nobody wants that to happen.
We will not serve alcohol to anyone that is visibly intoxicated. We reserve the right to cease the service of alcohol to anyone, at any time, at our sole discretion. Few things are as embarrassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar, so do everyone a favor and cut yourself off, before you start acting stupid.
Hard closing times are set by government regulations. According to applicable law, all customers must be off of our premises by specific times, depending on the night of the week. So, while we’d love to let you hang out longer, sometimes that would just be illegal. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
NEVER DRIVE IMPAIRED
If you don’t have a designated driver, and are not sure of your own condition, never hesitate to have the bartender, server or manager call you a taxi. It’s not a problem. We’ve got those guys on speed-dial. We also recommend utilizing the car services, Uber and Lyft. Trust us. Waking up in your own warm bed in the morning is always better than waking up in county jail. Be safe. Be smart. Never drive impaired.