When patronizing The Vortex, our guests are required to abide by our company policies at all times. These company policies are described in detail on this website, and can also be found on the cover of our menus and posted on signage throughout the premises. If you ever have a question about a particular policy, feel free to ask. But, our policies are our policies. They are not up for debate. Arguing about company policies with any staff member is not acceptable behavior. If you don’t agree with any of our policies, we suggest you take your business elsewhere.
Even though it’s very casual, all guests are required to abide by our dress code. Maintaining proper hygiene (not stinking), and wearing shoes and a shirt are the basic requirements. We also reserve the right to prohibit any article of jewelry or clothing that incorporates symbols, slogans or designs that are gang-related; promote violence, racism, or hateful behavior; or are otherwise deemed offensive and/or disruptive to the operation of our business – at our sole discretion.
REFUSAL OF SERVICE
The Vortex is private property. When you enter our premises you become our guest. This is a privilege that is revokable at any time. We expect our guests to be pleasant, law-abiding, and to respect our house rules. Failure to behave in an appropriate manner at any time while visiting The Vortex will result in being refused service and being escorted off the premises. Depending on the circumstances, admittance to the premises may be denied altogether. The decision to refuse service, or admittance, to any patron will always be made – at our sole discretion. See below for descriptions of various behaviors that are guaranteed to result in refusal of service.
It is not acceptable for any guest to display a demanding, condescending, rude or otherwise entitled attitude to any staff member. Verbally arguing, antagonizing, yelling, name-calling or using profanity with any staff member, or other individual on the premises will never be tolerated.
It is not acceptable for any guest to interfere with the safety, enjoyment and well-being of other customers, or to engage in any verbal harassment or abuse, threatening language or other acts of aggression, or any attempt at intimidating or instilling fear in any staff member, or other individual on the premises. Striking, pushing, bumping or any physical assault, engaging in a physical fight or otherwise deliberately causing physical injury or harm to others will never be tolerated.
It is not acceptable for any guest to engage in unacceptable drunken behavior, including, but not limited to, putting their head down on the bar or table, sleeping, passing out, vomiting, shitting or pissing themselves, or otherwise negatively impacting the experience of other guests in any way by acting like a damned amateur. Additionally, access to the premises will be denied if our security personnel, host or management determines that an individual appears to be impaired by alcohol or drugs – at their sole discretion.
● CRIMINAL ACTIVITY
It is not acceptable for any guest to take part in any criminal activity or other illegal behavior while on company premises. This may include, but is not limited to, willful or deliberate damage or destruction of any company property, equipment or decor anywhere within the premises, stealing from the company, from staff members, or from any other individual on the premises, using, possessing or being under the influence of illegal narcotics, or selling, or attempting to sell illegal narcotics or other contraband, at any time while on company premises. NOTICE: The Vortex reserves the right to press criminal charges against any individual behaving in an illegal manner while on our premises, and will prosecute to the fullest extent that the law allows.
● PREVIOUS BAD BEHAVIOR
Being recognized by staff members as an individual that has engaged in unacceptable behavior, or caused operational difficulties in the past, is sufficient reason to ask a guest to leave. These instances generally involve individuals that have been permanently banned from the premises. By returning, these individuals are guilty of “criminal trespass,” and The Vortex will prosecute to the fullest extent that the law allows.
Of course, only courteous and considerate people actually worry about behaving themselves. So, if you are worried at all, you probably don’t need to be. We enjoy seeing our customers having fun and being silly, even if they happen to embarrass themselves. Believe us, we’ve seen it all and we’ve done it all, so we can totally relate. It’s important to understand that getting a little “loose” will generally not get you thrown out of our bar, but acting like an obnoxious idiot always will. Below are seven descriptions of some common idiots who usually don’t last very long at The Vortex. You may also notice certain cross-over behavior between all of these descriptions, but “idiocy” is always the common thread.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #1 – THE ENTITLED JERK
Some people think they are “special” and therefore our company policies, common courtesy and even the law do not apply to them. Their battle cry is “the customer is always right,” but that’s where they’re just plain wrong. Like any ethical relationship, commercial transactions rely on “consent” from both parties, and must always be voluntary to remain legitimate. In other words, you don’t get to act like an asshole just because you’re spending money. The Vortex reserves the right to refuse service to anyone we believe is behaving like an entitled jerk. Since entitled jerks are generally clueless, we would like to assure these idiots that they are NOT special, despite whatever their mommies may have told them.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #2 – THE TIGHT-ASS
We have always been completely upfront about what we do at The Vortex. But no matter how clear we make things, certain people continue to believe everything in the world must revolve around their own narrow view of life. Being offended is their weapon of choice. With righteous indignation they will tell us all the things we need to change about our business. They frequently inform us that “we are going to be reported,” although it’s never quite clear who we will be reported to, or what we will be reported for. What they obviously fail to realize is The Vortex was not designed for tight-asses, and we loathe petty tyrants. We have no reason to engage, debate or argue with these idiots because we really don’t care what they think. About anything. Ever.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #3 – THE MOOCHER
Our ultimate goal is to provide the best food and service possible. Unfortunately, sometimes mistakes can happen. We will always do our best to resolve these issues quickly, and we really appreciate the patience and understanding of our good customers. On the flip-side, in these instances certain unscrupulous low-lives will threaten to post bad reviews online, or stir up other trouble – unless (of course) we comp their check, buy them dessert and give them a Gift Certificate for their next visit. Just to be clear, these con artists are not valued patrons by any stretch of the imagination. They are grifter-trash. And while that behavior might fly at some mediocre chain restaurants, all these idiots will be getting from The Vortex is banned for life. So, hit the road – deadbeat.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #4 – THE AMATEUR
In the bar business, the term “amateur” applies to legal adults who have never learned how to enjoy alcohol responsibly. The more they drink, the bigger knuckle-heads they become. We will never give amateurs the opportunity to negatively impact the enjoyment of our valued patrons, and we will never tolerate their inappropriate, shit-hammered behavior. This includes passing out, vomiting, shitting or pissing themselves, or any other ridiculous display of amateur conduct. While it’s fun to mock these fools, we often have to clean up after them, and that’s no fun at all. People who insist on drinking until they become giant annoying idiots should really limit themselves to Saint Patrick’s Day, Cinco de Mayo and New Year’s Eve. Those are official “Amateur Nights,” so they will have lots of company.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #5 – THE DOUCHEBAG
This term generally refers to men with an unfortunate combination of character flaws. An inflated sense of self-worth and questionable intelligence is compounded by a complete lack of social grace and self-awareness. They often behave inappropriately in public, but are completely ignorant of how pathetic they appear to others. Frequently traveling in packs, these potential date-rapists invariably mistake any female attention as sexual attraction, yet they tend to be a joke to all but the most naive of women. Their frail egos and steroid addictions often make them mentally unstable, so don’t bump into them or jostle their drink. And for God’s sake, don’t ever make direct eye contact, because it doesn’t take much to set-off a douchebag. These idiots are one of the main reasons we employ security.
● SAMPLE IDIOT #6 – THE WOO GIRL
The defining characteristic of a Woo-Girl is their proclivity for shouting “WOOOO” while doing things most people consider normal activities. This may include entering a bar, ordering drinks, consuming shots and leaving a bar. While some people may say Woo-Girls are just trying to have a good time, others believe that their low self esteem and daddy issues often make them annoying, unstable, and potentially troublesome. Once they become adequately primed with sugary shooters, the “WOO-ing” tends to occur more randomly. They will often WOO at other bar patrons for no apparent reason, and at random pedestrians while traveling between bars, which is usually done in large “Woo-Packs.” These idiots often end up crying in a bathroom stall, or while sitting in a puddle of their own pee somewhere in public, or on the shoulder of an unsuspecting stranger. By the end of the night, Woo-Girls will often become a prime target for date rapists (see The Douchebag, above).
● SAMPLE IDIOT #7 – THE NON-TIPPER
A person does not have to be one of the idiots listed above to be a Non-Tipper, but it certainly increases the odds. Tipping for service in bars and restaurants is the currently accepted custom in the United States. Non-Tippers claim they don’t believe in this system, and therefore do not tip. While tipping may not be required by law, people who do not tip (or who tip poorly) are really just cheap bastards, and their claims are all bullshit. The fact is, the wait staff of any establishment with a decent clientele will always prefer receiving tips to receiving an arbitrary “livable wage.” Just ask them about it. So, if these non-tipping idiots are truly committed to their belief, we suggest they notify their server right up-front, to give the server the opportunity to direct their efforts toward patrons that are not cheap-ass, low life scumbags.
THE IDIOT’S LAST RESORT
The type of people described above will often post ignorant, and completely false reviews on websites like “I’m-a-shitty-little-whiner-dot-com,” especially after we have thrown them out of our bar for acting like an idiot. Fortunately, we don’t care what these shitty little whiners think, and neither does anyone else. “One-Star-Reviewers” are now widely recognized as being the biggest idiots in the world. But at least they’re good for a laugh. In fact, we often read these ridiculous reviews out loud at our employee meetings for the comic relief they provide. Good times.