LET US HELP YOU
Don’t ever come into The Vortex and start moving the furniture around like you own the place or we’ll slap you like a red-headed stepchild. If your group has any special needs, please let the host, server or manager assist you. Sure, sometimes we may have to decline a request, but that’s only because we know what’s best. Trust us. We’ve been running this bar for a long time. Our staff really is here to help, so just ask. Some of them might look a little scary, but they’re mostly pretty nice. Mostly.
READ OUR MENUS
We have gone to great lengths to ensure that our food and drink descriptions are as detailed and accurate as possible and that all company policies are clearly explained on our menus, so please read them. If you have any questions, just ask your server. It’s all pretty simple. Please don’t make us mock you.
THE VORTEX GUARANTEE
When dining at The Vortex, if you are not greeted within 2 minutes, then you’ll be greeted within 3 or 4. We do our best to be prompt, but service times will vary with business volume, so just pull that big stick out of your butt. Try to relax, have fun and enjoy the experience. It’ll be good for you.
SERVERS ARE NOT SERVANTS
Our goal is to foster an atmosphere of mutual respect and fun. You be nice, and we’ll be nice. Simple. There is never any excuse for people to be rude to one another, especially in our bar. Common courtesy goes a long way. So, before attempting to get your server’s attention, wait until they finish with the customer they’re currently helping. Do not whistle, clap, snap your fingers or bang your bottle on the table like an idiot. Likewise, never reach out and poke a server, pull their apron, or slap their ass. Displaying disrespectful or abusive behavior toward any of our staff will get you thrown out immediately. So just don’t act like a jackass. That’s always the best policy when visiting The Vortex, and wherever else you go in the world.
We care about your safety. If you have food sensitivities or allergies serious enough to cause sickness or death, we suggest that you DO NOT EAT HERE. The Vortex cannot certify the absence of any specific ingredient from any given menu item. Additionally, cross-contamination with ingredients to which you may be allergic could also potentially occur. If you choose to ignore this warning, you do so at your own risk. Remember, it’s better to be safe than sorry – or dead!
FRESH FOOD & SERVICE TIMES
All our menu items are fresh, and cooked to order. We strive to have food to your table within 20 minutes, but if we are very busy your order may take a little longer. Any “well-done” burgers will also increase the wait time. You see, a half-pound of fresh, raw sirloin actually has to cook. Nothing at The Vortex ever sits under a heat lamp. This ain’t fast food, it’s good food.
SPECIAL ORDERS & EXTRAS
Our ultimate goal is to give our customers exactly what they want. So, if you want a bunch of “extra” stuff, or you want to make crazy alterations to an existing menu item, or if you want to order something that’s not even on the damn menu, we’ll do our best to help you out. And we’ll also charge you whatever the hell we want for it. So, if you have any concerns about the cost of your “special request,” please ask your server about it BEFORE placing the order. Once the food is in your belly it’s a little too late to have that conversation, and we really don’t want to hear any crying when the bill comes. For anyone who thinks they shouldn’t be charged for special orders or extras, we’ll be sure to let you know when that magical truck filled with free-for-nothin’ goodies shows up. We’ve been waiting for a very long time, but we’ve still never seen it.
CELL PHONE USE
You can be as rude to your friends as you’d like. But if you expect to get any service at The Vortex, then get off the damn cell phone. If you stay on your phone, then be prepared to be ignored. Texting, surfing, tweeting, posting or taking pictures when a server is trying to take your order may also result in bodily injury or death, so just put it down.
Let’s just be clear right up front. The Vortex was really not designed to accommodate large parties, especially when we’re busy. Of course we always do our best to serve everyone, but if you are foolish enough to show up with your 20 best friends at eight o’clock on a Friday night, don’t cry when we tell you it’s going to be a very long wait for a table. There are plenty of places in town that offer reservations and special event rooms for your large group. We think using those venues would probably result in a better experience for everyone. Especially us.
● PRIVATE EVENT BUY-OUTS
While we don’t take reservations, we do offer the option of a “Private Event Buy-Out” if you’ve got significant resources. CLICK HERE for all the details, money-bags.
Mistakes can happen from time to time. So, if our kitchen or service staff ever goofs something up, just let us know as soon as possible. We’ll do everything we can to make things right. We really appreciate the patience and understanding of our good customers in these situations.
Providing excellent service is our top priority, and we rely on our loyal fans to let us know if we have a weak link. So, if you’re ever unhappy with your service, please notify the manager immediately. We do everything we can to assure guest satisfaction, but we can’t solve a problem we don’t know about.
● UNHELPFUL CUSTOMER BEHAVIOR
If you experience an issue with service, “stiffing” your server and slithering away without letting us know there was a problem is not a legitimate option. And neither is leaving a passive-aggressive note on your charge slip instead of a tip. But the most futile move by far is leaving an ignorant review on “I’m-a-shitty-whiner-dot-com.” Because we really don’t care what shitty little whiners think. And neither does anyone else. So please refrain from engaging in any of this behavior, because none of it is helpful.