NO SMOKING INSIDE
No smoking or vaping of ANY kind is allowed inside The Vortex. We continue to offer our patrons the option to smoke cigarettes and e-cigarettes in designated locations on the exterior of our premises. NOTE: The smoking of cigars, pipes, cloves, hookahs or any substance deemed “illegal” by the evil overlords, is not allowed in these outdoor smoking areas. If you think it should be a law that people should not be allowed to smoke anywhere, ever – including outside of a bar – you just might be a fascist.
We declared The Vortex an official “Idiot-Free Zone” back in 1992, and have remained committed to this policy ever since. Simply stated, it means “you be nice, and we’ll be nice.” Anyone who acts like an entitled jerk will be asked to leave. It’s funny, but people who behave badly always seem surprised when we toss their silly asses out the door. Probably because they’re idiots.
We’re sorry if you don’t like what we do, or how we do it. Maybe you think our bar is too crowded, or you think the music is too loud or maybe you find the foul-mouthed strippers sitting at the table next to you horribly offensive. Hey, on occasion The Vortex might get a little rowdy. It’s kind of what we do. If you need to have total control over your environment at all times, then maybe you should just stay home. Nobody likes a whiner.
The Vortex is a casual joint, so we seat on a first-come, first-served basis. We do not take reservations or offer call-ahead seating. So, don’t bother phoning ahead, because even if you speak with an employee you still do not have a reservation. Know why? Because we don’t take reservations. We do, however, offer the option for a “Private Event Buy-Out” if you’ve got enough cash. CLICK HERE for the details, money-bags.
NO INCOMPLETE PARTIES
Be advised that we do not seat incomplete parties during any peak business period. We know all your little tricks and lies too, you tricky, lying little bastards, so don’t even try them. Just enjoy a tasty drink from the bar while you wait on your slack-assed friends. When we are not in the middle of a peak period (or about to enter a peak period), this policy should not be an issue, but we will always decide what constitutes a peak period – at our sole discretion.
NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINKS
In case you hadn’t noticed, we sell food and drinks at The Vortex. It’s is not a picnic ground. If you are foolish enough to sit your butt down and whip out a sack lunch, or bring in an outside beverage, it will be confiscated and dumped in the trash. Give us any lip and you’ll end up there too.
Food that has been prepared correctly may NOT be returned because you “just don’t like it,” or because you think “it’s nasty.” Please. Grow up. And if you order a beer, wine or spirit that you’re not crazy about, that’s a damn shame too. But we don’t brew, ferment, distill or bottle any of it. We just sell it. So when your order is presented to you “error-free,” please understand that it’s ALL YOURS. The transaction is over. If you have a particularly delicate palate, or you’re just a chronic complainer, you should be prepared to share your order with the less finicky members of your party. You know – the adults.
We always want our patrons to hang-out and enjoy themselves. But if you have finished eating and drinking, have paid your check, and can see that other people are waiting for tables, please be considerate and give up your seat so the next group can enjoy the experience. Come on, you’re done. Don’t be the clueless table of campers. Someday, when you’re the one waiting for a table, you will really appreciate this policy. And if you have taken up a table for hours and hours on end, don’t forget to tip your server accordingly.
The Vortex is a private business. That business is selling food and drinks. Our premises (and restrooms) are reserved for paying customers only. By making purchases, paying customers are temporarily “renting” their seat, and their right to enjoy the premises. These transactions allow us to pay for a veritable plethora of overhead, including (but not limited to) the cost of licenses and permits, taxes, rent, utilities, insurance, maintenance, repairs and a very, very large payroll. Every seat in our establishment must generate revenue so that we can continue to stay in business. We simply can’t afford to allow random people to use our private property as public space. We suggest loiterers head to Starbucks®. It’s nearby, and they seem to love that kind of behavior. Tell ‘em we sent you.
Keeping The Vortex operating smoothly for our loyal fans is a full-time, 24/7 kind of commitment. That’s why we will not waste our time dealing with stupidity, idiocy or any other nonsense. It’s time to put on your big-boy or big-girl panties, because The Vortex is a bar for ADULTS.