NO IDIOTS
Our goal is to foster an atmosphere of fun and mutual respect. We declared The Vortex an Idiot-Free Zone back in 1992, and have remained committed to this policy ever since. Simply stated, it means “you be nice, and we’ll be nice.” Anyone who acts like an entitled jerk will be asked to leave. People who behave badly always seem surprised when we toss their silly asses out the door. Probably because they’re idiots.
NO SMOKING INSIDE
The Vortex does not allow smoking or vaping of any kind inside our premises. However, we do offer the option to smoke cigarettes and e-cigarettes within certain exterior areas. Ask your server for details. The smoking of stinky stuff like cigars, pipes, clove cigarettes, hookahs or anything deemed illegal by the oligarchy, will not be allowed anywhere on our property.
NO RESERVATIONS
The Vortex is a casual joint, so we seat on a first-come, first-served basis. We do not take reservations or offer call-ahead seating. So, don’t bother phoning ahead, because even if you speak with an employee you still do not have a reservation. Know why? Because we don’t take reservations. We do, however, offer the option for a “Private Event Buy-Out” if you’ve got enough cash. CLICK HERE for the details, money-bags.
NO INCOMPLETE PARTIES
Be advised that we do not seat incomplete parties during any peak business period. We know all your little tricks and lies too, you tricky, lying little bastards, so don’t even try them. Just enjoy a tasty drink from the bar while you wait on your slack-assed friends. When we are not in the middle of a peak period (or about to enter a peak period), this policy should not be an issue, but we will always decide what constitutes a peak period – at our sole discretion.
NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINKS
In case you hadn’t noticed, we sell food and drinks at The Vortex. It’s is not a picnic ground. If you are foolish enough to sit your butt down and whip out a sack lunch, or bring in an outside beverage, it will be confiscated and dumped in the trash. Give us any lip and you’ll end up there too.
NO FREE SAMPLES
Food that has been prepared correctly may NOT be returned because you “just don’t like it.” Same goes for mixed drinks. Read the descriptions. Talk to your server. Act like a grown-up. If you order a beer, wine or spirit that you’re not crazy about, that’s a damn shame too. We don’t brew, ferment, distill or bottle any of it. We just sell it. So, when your food or booze order is delivered to you “error-free,” the transaction is officially complete. All sales are final. No returns or refunds. If you have a particularly delicate palate, or are just a chronic complainer, be prepared to share what you’ve ordered with the less finicky members of your party. You know – the adults.
NO CAMPING
We always want our patrons to hang-out and enjoy themselves. But if you have finished eating and drinking, have paid your check, and can see that other people are waiting for tables, please be considerate and give up your seat so the next group can enjoy the experience. Come on, you’re done. Don’t be the clueless table of campers. Someday, when you’re the one waiting for a table, you will really appreciate this policy. And if you have taken up a table for hours and hours on end, don’t forget to tip your server accordingly.
NO WHINING
We’re sorry if you don’t like what we do, or how we do it. Maybe you think our bar is too crowded, or you think the music is too loud, or the foul-mouthed strippers sitting beside you are just too offensive. Hey, on occasion The Vortex might get a little rowdy. If you insist on having total control over your environment at all times, then maybe you should just stay home. Nobody likes a whiner. Especially in a bar.
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS
Our restrooms (and our premises in general) are reserved for paying customers only. By making purchases, our patrons are temporarily “renting” the right to enjoy our facilities. These business transactions allow us to pay for a veritable plethora of overhead, including (but not limited to) the cost of licenses and permits, taxes, rent, utilities, insurance, equipment, supplies, maintenance, repairs, food, booze and a very, very large payroll. We simply can’t afford to allow random people to use our private property as public space. Starbucks® is just down the street, and they seem to love that kind of behavior. Tell ‘em we sent you.
NO NONSENSE
Keeping The Vortex operating smoothly for our loyal fans is a full-time, 24/7 kind of commitment. That’s why we will not waste our time dealing with stupidity, idiocy or any other nonsense. It’s time to put on your big-boy or big-girl panties, because The Vortex is a bar for ADULTS.
